"Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.  Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.  No one will answer.