|
|
|
SYMPTOM:
|
Beer is crystal-clear. |
|
FAULT:.
|
It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. |
|
ACTION:
|
Punch him. |
|
SYMPTOM:
|
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. |
|
FAULT:
|
You've wandered into the wrong party. |
|
ACTION:
|
See if they have free beer. |
|
SYMPTOM:
|
Feet cold and wet. |
|
FAULT:
|
Glass being held at incorrect angle. |
|
ACTION:
|
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. |
|
SYMPTOM:
|
Feet warm and wet. |
|
FAULT:
|
Improper bladder control. |
|
ACTION:
|
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. |
|
SYMPTOM:
|
Beer unusually pale and tasteless. |
|
FAULT:
|
Glass empty. |
|
ACTION:
|
Get someone to buy you another beer. |
|
SYMPTOM:
|
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. |
|
FAULT:
|
You have fallen over backward. |
|
ACTION:
|
Have yourself chained to bar. |
|
SYMPTOM:
|
Mouth contains cigarette butts. |
|
FAULT:
|
You have fallen forward. |
|
ACTION:
|
See above. |
|
SYMPTOM:
|
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. |
|
FAULT:
|
Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. |
|
ACTION:
|
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. |
|
SYMPTOM:
|
Floor blurred. |
|
FAULT:
|
You are looking through bottom of empty glass. |
|
ACTION:
|
Get someone to buy you another beer. |
|
SYMPTOM:
|
Floor moving. |
|
FAULT:
|
You are being carried out. |
|
ACTION:
|
Find out if you are being taken to another bar |
|
SYMPTOM:
|
Room seems unusually dark. |
|
FAULT:
|
Bar has closed. |
|
ACTION:
|
Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home. |
|
SYMPTOM:
|
Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. |
|
FAULT:
|
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. |
|
ACTION:
|
Cover mouth. |
|
SYMPTOM:
|
Everyone looks up to you and smiles. |
|
FAULT:
|
You are dancing on the table. |
|
ACTION:
|
Fall on somebody cushy-looking. |
|
SYMPTOM:
|
Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. |
|
FAULT:
|
You have been in a fight. |
|
ACTION:
|
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. |
|
SYMPTOM:
|
Your singing sounds distorted. |
|
FAULT:
|
The beer is too weak. |
|
ACTION:
|
Have more beer until your voice improves. |
|
SYMPTOM:
|
Don't remember the words to the song. |
|
FAULT:
|
Beer is just right. |
|
ACTION:
|
Play air guitar. |
|
SYMPTOM:
|
Ugly woman in your sights. |
|
FAULT:
|
Insufficient beer intake. |
|
ACTION:
|
Up the dosage. |
|
SYMPTOM:
|
Shins and toes hurt. |
|
FAULT:
|
You've been walking into things. |
|
ACTION:
|
Maintain dosage. |
|
SYMPTOM:
|
Squishy feeling in the hands. |
|
FAULT:
|
You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts. |
|
ACTION:
|
Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist. |
|
SYMPTOM:
|
Bed is bumping around. |
|
FAULT:
|
Taking an ambulance ride. |
|
ACTION:
|
It's too late, you made an ass of yourself. |
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